“[T]he infamously Machiavellian coach told his draft picks that there was no potable surface water for “hundreds of miles”; that it would be in their best interests not to attempt to contact any locals who crossed their path; that only the fruit at the very center of the thornbushes would be edible; that most of the indigenous wildlife, especially the arachnids, was very, very poisonous; and that one of the things he had just told them was a lie. ”
I am tired and worn down by the NJ Turnpike. I passed through four separate RIGHT LANE CLOSED construction projects. No doubt these are Economic Stimulus projects designed to finally get the RIGHT LANE CLOSED for the entire length of the Turnpike. At least South-bound.
Similarly, the intersection of Routes 73 and 70 – formerly a deadly “traffic circle,” later morphed into an engineering marvel of complex, intertwining jughandles even more deadly – is also under construction. This time around, the engineers have really out done themselves. They have set out to build: an overpass.
Meanwhile, up North, on Route 46 in Fairfield (the starting point of tonight’s haul), there exists a project that has removed an overpass. (No word on whether the ex-overpass will be recycled for the 70/73 project.) The Route 46 project also eliminated a merge that forced two lanes of fast moving (ha!) traffic down into one lane.
This is terribly disappointing to your average Jersey driver. We enjoy the challenge of fending off a top-speed blindside merge from the left (the previously mentioned ex-overpass) , whilst swerving to avoid slow-moving drivers to the right who want to get into the McDonald’s, Tiffany’s or Post Office – assuming they are capable of making that turn (or decision) (which they aren’t).
Of course, all of this falsely presupposes that the drivers in the right have any idea of which of the three (if any, or possibly all) they wish to enter (which they don’t).
Back south, though. The 73/ 70 overpass project looks promising. The main idea is to build an overpass running parallel to the Starbucks/ Restoration Hardware shopping center. The ramp upwards will give drivers time to speed up enough to launch their vehicle, Evel Knievel style, over Route 70 and into the Kohl’s parking lot. This will confuse them enough to actually go into Kohl’s, and cause enough damage to their suspension to force a visit to the mechanic. And quite likely a tow there. A triple Economic Stiumulus bonus.
As for me, once I finish my Kohl’s shopping, I’ll test out my new struts (or strats, or whatever they’re called) by darting back out onto Route 73 Northbound, and put myself right back onto the NJ Turnpike, Northbound, where I will be immediately stopped by a a faulty fuel filter or – if I’m lucky – a RIGHT LANE CLOSED project.